Tip #1: Prepare for the Conversation
Tip #2: Discuss when you are all relaxed
Tip #3: Remember that in their eyes you are still the “child”
Tip #4: Make the process a team effort
Tip #5: Prepare an engaging story to start the conversation
It is not unusual these days for someone to spend 30 years in retirement. Yet few of us have really tackled the financial issues that go along with living a longer life. Just think about it -- a person reaching age 65 has an average life expectancy of 85. There is a 25 percent chance that one or both members of a 65 year old couple will reach age 97. And, because these changes are relatively recent, there is little history to rely on or stories to follow of how others have managed financial planning for a longer life. The most important decisions in planning for our later years will be around health care and finances.
A recent survey revealed that retirees can expect to spend almost $300,000 on health care after age 65. Original Medicare will not cover all of an older person’s health care costs, and it does not cover the costs of long-term care, which can easily deplete one’s life savings. According to a recent study by Genworth Financial, the average cost of long-term care in a nursing home is over $70,000 per year. As your parents get older, it is important that you are aware of the decisions they will need to make and how you can assist them with these decisions. They may not be thinking ahead or even be aware of the expenses that they will face in their later years. Or they may simply be reluctant to “look under the hood” of their financial plan to see how it will stand up against a longer life expectancy. While talking about finances and health care are not the easiest topics to discuss with your parents, there are ways to make the conversations more comfortable and productive. And along the way, you may find some things that you need to think about in planning your own financial future. Here are some tips for discussing these topics either with your parents or other elderly family members or friends.
Tip #1: Prepare for the Conversation
Before starting any conversation about health care or finances, make sure that you understand the options available so that you will be viewed as a valuable resource. The following web sites will provide you with information that you will need to know when advising any one over the age of 65 about their health care choices:
Using a service such as Longevity Alliance is another way to help you understand the various decision points around health care, long-term care, and investment products. By getting familiar with the issues and the terminology you can help assure that your parents have the right coverage and funds to age comfortably. Gather as much information as possible ahead of time so that you are prepared for their questions. Try to also have questions in mind about their health, their current health care coverage and their financial options for the future. Be prepared to help them think through how they will want to live their later years – discussing various lifestyle choices, such as whether they wish to remain in their current home, down-size, or move to a retirement community with an assisted living option.
Tip #2: Discuss when you are all relaxed
First, if it can be avoided it is best not to discuss these topics immediately following a crisis. This is why you will want to plan ahead to have these discussions before there is added pressure, such as following the hospitalization or death of a parent. Most people realize after a crisis that they need to plan better for the surviving parent. But it is best to plan before that time, when you can all think clearly and are not under duress.
It is very important to be sensitive to your own family dynamics, relationship issues, and the current mood and setting before beginning the conversation. While health and financial issues can be sensitive topics, if approached properly, your parent will likely value your support. Picking the right time to talk will be of key importance.
If your parent is already overwhelmed with other issues, then try to select a time when you are both calm and able to focus without too much distraction.
While the holidays can give families the rare opportunity to talk together, be aware that not all family members should be present for this conversation. Determining who should be present, and when to have the discussion will primarily be based on the type of relationship among family members. If your parents tend to be private or may find it embarrassing to accept help from their children, then keep this in mind when deciding who should lead the discussion and when. There are many private opportunities for one or two people to talk, even during the holiday gatherings, such as driving together in the car or sitting quietly between family activities. Take the cue from them on when the time is right to begin this discussion.
Tip #3: Remember that in their eyes you are still the “child”
The changing dynamic of your relationship with your parent can be threatening or even frightening to some elderly adults. It may also feel strange for you, as the adult child, to assist with these personal issues. So be prepared that there may initially be some discomfort, or that your parent might even be defensive or resentful when you offer your support. Do not take this personally. Instead, prepare for this so that you can overcome any tension that may result, and swiftly move into a productive conversation. To do this, think about the type of relationship you have had with your parent over the years so that you can respond accordingly:
If there has been a control or power issue, make sure to diffuse this when taking on the supportive role and be aware of the tendency to reverse this dynamic. Do not be authoritative or patronizing. Use humor as appropriate to make it over some of the rough spots.
If your parent has always been the nurturer and has not leaned on you for support, there might be some discomfort now in changing roles. Remind your parent how happy you are to be there to help now in return for all of the support that you have received.
Tip #4: Make the process a team effort
As we age, our cognitive abilities decline and taking in complex information becomes more difficult which can be embarrassing to your parent. A parent may even be in denial that they are unable to grasp complex details and may become defensive, aggressive or insulted as you assist them. Specific tactics that will help with these include:
- Work together as a team – do not do for them what they can do for themselves
- Go at your parent’s pace and be patient as they grasp and digest the information
- Use humor as appropriate to keep things light, but do not ever make fun of them during the process
- If your parent seems overwhelmed by the information, agree that it is a lot to take in so they feel your empathy and support, and perhaps set up a few shorter sessions to review all of the needed information
- Remember to respect their intelligence. They may just need to go slowly, but are still able to understand all of what you will be discussing
- When you use information to help guide the conversation, it is helpful to have it available in a variety of formats – from articles to charts. Whether they are a reader or prefer information visually, giving them a choice will increase usefulness of the information.
Tip #5: Prepare an engaging story to start the conversation
Sometimes just starting a conversation about a challenging topic is the hardest part, and then it is smooth sailing from there. After you have done your research, and decided that you are ready to approach one or both of your parents on the topics of health care and finances, prepare a few starter sentences that you feel comfortable with. Some examples of starters to the conversation are:
- Discuss the increasing costs of your own health care
- Discuss the high costs that a friend or family member must be paying for the care of an aging family member with whom your parents are familiar
- Bring up an article (have a copy on hand) about the high costs of living into our later years
If your parent is resistant to your help, have some materials on hand that you might suggest they review on their own letting them know that you are available to provide them with support as needed. Follow up in a few days after providing the materials, and again attempt to offer support in making some of these important health care and financial decisions with them. If they are still unwilling to take your support, try to recommend an unbiased advisor with expertise in these areas to assist them.
This type of conversation is a giant step toward assuring that you and your parents enjoy the benefits of longer life expectancy. It may not be easy at first, but the rewards will be many for both you and your parents.
Longevity Alliance Inc. helps people navigate the financial challenges of living a longer life. Whether you need help finding the right financial service, long-term care insurance or health insurance coverage, or developing a broader retirement income plan, Longevity Alliance licensed representatives can help you. We offer a choice of products and companies that best meet your unique needs.
Call 1-800-713-6610, for more information.